@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

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@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@envydatropic

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

@Ygrene

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

@TuSoonShakur

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@GrantTanaka

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

@TheCatWhisprer

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

@david8hughes

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

@TheCatWhisprer

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@KeetPotato

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”