Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
#ParentingFacts
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.