#ParentingFacts
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
had to share :’)
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.