[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
You Might Also Like
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My dog ate my work from home.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.