Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Yup
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening