“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
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ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.