“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
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There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo