If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
the clam before the storm
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.