October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head