I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.