Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Perfect.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
kids play hide and seek like
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
A fake ID that makes you younger
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Dear Lord..
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!