A fake ID that makes you younger
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
guilty
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.