I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around