Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
You Might Also Like
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.