My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Dead
Alive
Other✔
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea