Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
🤣🤣
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m already scared
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]