Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
#gardening
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
@ candidates for local office
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours