[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?