Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.