Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.