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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-