Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*