People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.