Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?