There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
How I like cutting carbs
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw