Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name