Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
when you don’t want to be too vague
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?