You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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Whoa… oh I see lol
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If I ignore life will it go away?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.