You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.