Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’m not proud
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs