After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
You Might Also Like
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.