Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
work smarter, not harder
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”