Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

@NotthatAdamWest

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

@T_Bonezzz_

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

@jessecase

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

@notalogin

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@OakHill_

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@Gupton68

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”