I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”