I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
You Might Also Like
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
#Caturday
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?