BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
You Might Also Like
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Mornin
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.