‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
You Might Also Like
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’M CRYINGGG
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING