Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Somebody call the cops.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
congratulations to them
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.