[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You Might Also Like
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series