90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly