I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it