A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Love is in the air fryer.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
the three branches of government
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.