Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me