I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*