@mellimelle My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
@Loli_Sug I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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@mellimelle 
@Aspersioncast I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
@JimmerThatisAll “Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
@Not_From_Troy – Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
@Brianhopecomedy I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
@deephora_ If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
@noog Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
@ilovepie84 Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
@samalmightysam I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
@birbigs “It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe