@Loli_Sug

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

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@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@CVTBaby

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

@DanielRCarrillo

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@HomeProbably

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

@CCRuns

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

@natedog2049

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

@whitneydedam

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

@DamienFahey

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

@TheRolo

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!