@Loli_Sug

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

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@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

@Aspersioncast

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

@JimmerThatisAll

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@deephora_

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

@noog

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

@samalmightysam

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe