@Death_Buddy *On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
@Loli_Sug I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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@Death_Buddy 
@CVTBaby I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
@DanielRCarrillo “I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
@9GAG when nothing goes right… go left
@HomeProbably After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
@CCRuns I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
@natedog2049 Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
@whitneydedam “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
@DamienFahey I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
@TheRolo Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!