I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.


I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.


“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”




– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?


If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,



Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.


I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.


“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe