Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask