6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The “baby” on the left….
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun