6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Ah yes. The three genders
choose your fighter
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
are they though??
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!