my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.