my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments