Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement