There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.