@OddMarc

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

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@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@Tipocazzuto

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

@skullmandible

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

@Donna_McCoy

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

@pauleggleston

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

@itsBABYSMITH

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.