I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”