Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs