When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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what kind of cook setting is this??
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.