COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
the clam before the storm
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo