Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.