WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
o shit
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”